Remember the post "What I Like About Writing"? To briefly recap part of the post, people are complex. The most memorable characters are ones which are deeper than just the surface part you see.
In books, we get to peek "behind the curtain" at times. We get to see a character's inner dialogue and thoughts. We sometimes know the inner turmoil they experience when trying to answer a question or make a decision. Those same interactions in real life just look like someone not answering, or giving what might sound like a dumb answer. They look awkward.
Reality is a lot messier. There are no italicized thought bubbles popping out of people's heads to let us know they are mentally processing things. There's nothing to let us know--aside from nonverbal clues--what emotional state a person is in while they're trying to work through something. We're like readers, but without the benefit of a narrator. Imagine how much easier it would be to understand one another if we spoke our thought processes? It would be weird but at least we would know a person is thinking and not just staring at us blankly.
What we see isn't the majority of what makes a person the way they are, we just see a result of everything else happening in their lives. Similar to the dice example I used in a previous post, we only see one or two "faces" of a person at a time. Some "faces" we will never see because it's a person's inner turmoil, or inner dialogue. Just because we can't see a person's backstory, doesn't mean it's not there. It doesn't mean we will be able to accurately figure out a person from the one face they choose to show us.
It amazes me, when I try to understand things in this way--knowing that the majority of a person's "backstory" is hidden from my view--that I ever thought I could properly judge people. Yes, it's easier to understand what type of person I'm dealing with when I see their actions, but maybe there's stuff I don't know about. Over the course of our lives, we sometimes do get to see some of the other "faces" of people, and get to learn more about why they are the way they are. There's been some very important concepts that I've come to understand the more "backstories" I hear.
You'll probably think "duh" to this, but there's a difference between knowing something logically and understanding it on a compassionate level. First, everyone has a backstory. It doesn't matter if a person is passing you on the street, they're the school popularity-contest winner, or someone cleaning up other people's messes. Every single person has a backstory. Every single person will only show us one or two faces, and most of the time those are the "I-have-it-all-together-and-am-SO-cool" faces. You know the ones, I know the ones. We've all tried to have those "faces". We're not abnormal for having them, but we should realize that it's the same face many others are trying to present.
Just because someone has their "playing-it-cool" face on doesn't mean they have an easy life. Maybe easier than someone else's life? Possibly, but sickness doesn't care about your last name, your fame or your money. Does having lots of money make it easier to get quality healthcare here in America? Sure it does, but that doesn't guarantee someone is going to beat cancer. It doesn't mean you have parents who are awesome at parenting, or who even have time to spend with you. When you have lots of money, problems don't go away. You just have different problems from ones you face when you don't have money. It probably sounds weird, but when you're poor you know exactly who your friends are. They aren't your friends because you have the ability to buy them things, or loan them money. They are your friends just because you're you. You have people you can trust because they have nothing to gain from being your friend.
That's not the case with families who have money. Imagine never being able to trust the people around you because it keeps turning out that all your friends just wanted to be internet-famous for knowing you. Maybe they just use a "friendship" with you to get the job they want. Maybe they're hoping to receive expensive gifts on their birthdays, loans or money. Then, imagine your parents tell you the kind of job you should have, who you should be friends with (even though you think those people are jerks), and how you should never embarrass them. Sometimes that can be said for poor families too.
There's quite a few people who seem to "have it all" on the outside, but their lives are being forced in a certain direction by everyone else. They don't really have the ability to choose for themselves (or feel they don't have that ability). They're guilted and pressured into choosing certain life paths. Families can be mentally and emotionally abusive no matter how much, or how little, money they have.
There is literally no one on this Earth who has an "easy" life. Everyone experiences love (eventually), sadness, loss, pain, happiness, anger, loneliness and jealousy. We all have our own personal hardships that we need to go through. Just because someone's hardship doesn't seem as bad as ours, doesn't mean it wasn't a hardship. Everyone has to make hard decisions in their lives, everyone has to deal with consequences at some point. Yes, some people get away with stuff longer but that's also a longer time for guilt to harass them while they wait. No one is perfect. We're all just complex people doing the best we can. Sometimes we mess it up. Sometimes we learn hard lessons, sometimes we need to mess up more before we can learn a lesson. Remember that what we're all seeing of the world at any given time is just a little window. There's a whole bunch of that person's world out there that we don't know about. Even the best-dressed, most composed, richest person can be miserable and suffering behind closed doors.
I sometimes--okay, a lot of times--judge books by their cover. It's hard not to. People are like those stories on the shelves. It's hard not to see someone driving a flashy car, with the latest expensive sunglasses and think, "wow...it must be nice." We're just looking at the cover. That's NOT the person. We only know maybe one thing from that scene. Someone is wearing nice shades and driving a nice car. Maybe they've stolen it, maybe they've worked 80 hours a week to afford those two things. Maybe someone they love died, and left them the money and they didn't know what else to do with it. Maybe they're a valet parking the car, or maybe they filled their life with objects because those objects are the only "real" friends they have. Don't let a person's cover be the only thing to tell you a person's backstory. I guarantee you will be surprised at what some people are going through, because it's usually the people who seem like they have perfect lives who are some of the most miserable people. Remember to be compassionate. Don't spread hurt, give people a safe place to talk instead. You may just make a best friend while you're at it.
Comments